Yearning for Eunoia
by Enula
Summary: Set after the S2 finale. Leo's body may be healing, but his dreams continue to haunt him. Donnie continues to blame himself as he deals with the ever growing closeness between April and Casey. Raph drives to keep the Mikey he's always known, but the pressure to keep everyone together is draining Mikey's spirit. Contains mentions of depression, delusion, and slow healing.


**.**

**Yearning for Eunoia**

**I.**

_In darkness, nothing else exists. There is no up or down, right or wrong way. It's an isolated and dreaded place; darkness envelopes the existence that is you until that matter is nothing more than a shadow among shadows._

_Then a quick flash of light; enough to show a fast shooting arrow being aimed at your head._

_You brace yourself for impact—then darkness returns and it takes the arrow with it. The darkness saves you._

_The light comes back to tease you of darkness' dangers. Five throwing stars coming in one and every direction, and there is nowhere to escape because somewhere doesn't exist._

_Darkness again. Safe._

_Light and there are two sharp blades slicing at your face—then dark—but only for one second before light returns but the brief darkness does not erase the blades and suddenly you're stuck in a strobe light of danger and safety, but then danger wins and the pain is blinding but the forever blackness is welcome._

Leonardo sat up in bed; he's only vaguely aware that he's covered in sweat and breathing heavy. He knows he was screaming for his throat was hoarse and dry, it felt like he was swallowing a million pin needles every time he tried to suck in a dry breath.

He didn't have the time needed to remind himself that he was alive before the room flooded with light—_the dangerous light—_and his three brothers crowded around him.

"What happened, Mikey?! You were supposed to be watchin' him!" Raph. Raph was okay and he sounded upset which meant his spirit wasn't ripped to shreds…

"I…" Mikey looked down at the plate he was holding that carried two sandwiches. He scrunched his face up like the bread molded before his eyes, "I got hungry—I was only gone for a couple—."

Leo's wild eyes glanced around at his brothers. Why were they worried about such trivial factors when an arrow could come shooting at their heads at any moment? He scrambled to get out of the tangle of sheets but they were like tight ropes holding him hostage.

_Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic—reach for your blade, you can cut this and escape—_

"Leo!" Donnie's distressed cry. Leo's eyes widened; if he didn't hurry, Donnie would be a goner and he couldn't part with him when the last thing he did with his younger brother was argue.

His name was called again and it entered into his brain like a bullet. He slapped his hand over his eyes but it only managed to push the bullet in further. He screamed. His voice cracked and there must have been a wretched sob involved; how could he protect his brothers if he was dead?

His arms were grabbed by strong hands that pushed him onto his shell. _NO! I'm not dead—FIGHT! Never stop fighting for them!_

He flashed the pure whiteness of his eyes as adrenaline jammed his veins. He lifted his arms and flung his two captors away from him. He may have been blind, but he knew how to rely on his senses and he would gladly fight to the death to save his brothers—but not until he finished his enemies off in the worst kind of way.

"Do something!" He heard Raph yell.

_I will, Raphael! I'll save you!_

"Leo, calm down, bro! It's _us!" _It was Mikey. Leo felt strong arms wrap around him and his youngest brother's soft voice in his ear—like he was weak and barely able to go on.

Then a slight pinch. His vision returned to him in painful increments because seeing the light after years of darkness burned his corneas. He blinked rapidly until Donatello came into view. He was holding a needle between his fingers with its contents emptied.

_Donnie…_Leo watched Donnie's eyes go from big, soft, and brown to empty and narrowed. _Why…_then there was darkness again as he greeted the unwelcomed sleep.

The three brothers stood around the bed as they watched Leo go limp. Blood continued to drip down from between his eyes where he ripped his stitches. Red stained his face and plastron along with the sweat soaked bed sheets he laid atop of.

"I'll go get new sheets," Raph volunteered as he turned to leave the room. He spotted April and Casey in the doorway looking alarmed and confused. Raph waved his hand half-heartedly, "It's done. Go back to bed."

The two humans backed away to let Raph through.

"I need to get my medical supplies," Donnie said to no one in particular. Everyone knew that's what he had to do. He reached for a roll of gauze he kept on the bedside table for moments like this and ripped a small amount off before pressing it to the deep cut between Leo's eyes, "Hold this here in the meantime, Mikey."

Mikey's hand replaced Donnie's as the youngest turtle watched him slip past April and Casey who still lingered in the doorway. Mikey looked down at the floor where he dropped the sandwiches he just _had _to make. He knew it was his night to keep an eye on Leo and should have gathered the appropriate amount of snacks for the job, but…Leo seemed so calm before he left. And the kitchen was only right around the corner. How did this happen in less than five minutes…?

"Mikey…" He felt a cool hand on his shoulder and looked at April from the corner of his eye, too ashamed and embarrassed to face her right now.

"I think…that was the worst it's ever been," he said with a deep sadness as he looked down at his brother and his leader, "How can dreams be that bad, April?"

April looked sorrowfully at him, "Leo's still not fully here, Mikey…he thinks he's still fighting…"

Mikey tried to force a smile, "Heh, and Leo thinks Raph's the hardhead…"

April returned the smile and looked over her shoulder when Casey's hand landed on her skin, "Leo will beat this. He always does."

_Nothing like this…_

Donnie came back with his small metal box full of the supplies he needed. He wanted only to focus on fixing Leo up; he didn't have time to linger on the closeness between April and Casey. He wished that was all he had to worry about, but life wasn't that simple anymore.

He sat his box down on the table, "I need space and it's too crowded in here."

April spoke up softly, "Do you need any—."

"No, I got it," Donnie stopped her without even catching her eye, "You should go back to bed. That shot I gave Leo will keep him asleep for at least eight hours."

Her eyes saddened at the lack of emotion in Donnie's voice, "Donnie…"

Casey's hand tightened on her shoulder as he gently pulled her back, "Come on, Red. Let's let him do his thing. There's nothing we can do right now."

Donnie rolled his eyes at how wise Casey tried to sound, but again—he didn't have time to deal with them. He was half relieved when their presence was gone and he was able to lift the gauze from Leo's eyes to see that the bleeding wasn't as heavy as it was a few minutes ago. He took out his surgical scissors and tweezers.

As he leaned over Leo to begin taking out the bad stitches, Mikey spoke: "I'm sorry, Donnie...I really didn't think five minutes alone would—."

"Just let it go, Mikey. It's done," Donnie mumbled as his eyes scanned for any sort of infection.

"Yeah, but Raph—," Mikey cut himself off as Raphael came back into the room holding a big pile of sheets and blankets. Good thing the farmhouse had plenty of sheet sets in case Leo made a mess of the ones he was one faster than they could get them clean.

Raph set the sheets down on a chair in the corner before going over to Mikey, "'m sorry for snapping at you like that…you didn't know."

Mikey sucked in a deep breath, "Yeah, but if I woulda just—."

Raph's strong hand landed hard on his shoulder, "Mikey, just…don't. If you give up your sickeningly positive attitude then…then who will hold us together? Okay, so don't—don't stop being you, all right?"

Mikey nodded slowly and he caught himself before he could say _I wish Sensei were here… _because he knew that wouldn't help any of them. Donnie had everything under control anyway.

Donnie worked quickly and meticulously at removing Leo's stitches, cleaning him up, then putting in new stitches. Mikey got a bucket of warm water and washcloths and began to wash away all the bloodstains that covered Leo's skin and dreams. _No…can't remove dreams…_

The three brothers gently removed Leo from the bed so they could remove the bloody sheets and replace them with pure white ones. That was the main issue—all the sheets were white but no matter how many times they tried to clean them, the stains were engrained in the fabric forever.

"I'll stay with him the rest of the night," Donnie volunteered as they finally covered Leo up. His body was unnaturally still and if it wasn't for his slow breaths, Donnie would have sworn he was dead.

"You sure?" Raph asked, "You stayed up last night with him and didn't sleep at all yesterday."

Donnie didn't need reminding, but did Leo need reminded to keep fighting no matter how tired his muscles became or how mentally drained he was? Did Leo's dreams need to remind him that the battle was over and that he was safe—or at least, as safe as things could get at the moment? He was in no immediate danger—he actually healed fairly quickly considering the kind of torture his body endured. It was his mind that was going to need the most work.

"Donnie?"

"I'm fine," he answered finally, "I'm wide awake anyway. I'll rest tomorrow."

"If you say so," Raph relented because the last thing Donnie needed was someone arguing with him on this. He knew Donnie blamed himself for what happened to Leo—and Raph knew the feeling. There were plenty of times in the past that Leo was captured or injured due to Raph arguing and disobeying his orders. Out of all of them, Leo was definitely not the one that deserved what he went through.

Mikey kneeled down to pick up his mess; he put pieces of bread, cheese, and meat on two broken pieces of glass.

"Want me to help make you another one?" Raph asked as Mikey stood.

Mikey shook his head, "Not really hungry anymore…"

Narrowing his emerald eyes, Raph shook his head, "I'll eat with you." Mikey could eat under any sort of stress. He _had _to. That's who he was. And Raph was determined to keep _that _Mikey. And Mikey was never one to quarrel so he followed Raph obediently into the kitchen.

Donnie let out a sigh as he was finally left alone with Leo. He sat down in the wooden chair next to the bed and leaned forward to press his palms into his eyes. He wished he could focus only on the slow, shallow breaths that Leo emitted through his open mouth, but the house was like paper and he could hear everything from silverware clinking in the kitchen to April and Casey talking lowly above him.

"I'm so sorry, Leo…" Donnie spoke softly to the floor and he barely recognized his own voice. He slowly raised his head to Leo who looked so broken and battered just lying there. That wasn't Leo…it couldn't be Leo…

"I promise we'll come up with a plan when you get better…" The word _when _made him wince. He still didn't know what exactly Leo went through during his final battle, but if his dreams were any indication, Donnie was sure that Leo shouldn't even be alive. If it was him…or Mikey or Raph…they surely wouldn't be breathing right now.

He looked up when he heard Leo's breathing pick up and it appeared that Leo was in pain…or trying to catch his breath from huge amounts of exertion. _Leo's mind should be blank right now…he's still having nightmares?_

But just as suddenly, Leo's breathing hitched before it evened out and the calming sound filled the room.

_Appreciated darkness._

* * *

><p><em>.<em>

_._

_._

_._

_AN: I'm back with another story. I've had this title sitting open on my desktop for the past five days and knew I really needed to write this. This is my first attempt at a darker story as I move away from pure romance. The season two finale really hit me hard, and not just because of April and Donnie. Honestly, that was the least hard to deal with. Watching Leo fight and then get thrown through a window...that was rough. I'm going to share a brief story about myself. You don't have to read if you don't want to, but..._

_Anyway, about 9 years ago, when I first joined the military, I went through something I'll never forget. There was a boiler explosion and I watched as one of my closest friends came running out of the boiler room with his skin melting off his body. I remember thinking how fake his screams sounded. And how I thought someone dumped a whole bad of powder on him as a joke because why else would his skin be that white? He stared at me with scared eyes and I didn't know what to do for him and there were alarms going off everywhere as other burn victims began coming into the space I was standing watch in. I don't remember all the details of that night, but I do know that I was suppose to be in the boiler room doing temperature checks when it happened, but I was behind schedule. A week later, he died. Years passed and I didn't get diagnosed with PTSD until last year. It's something that will never go away despite how much you want to ignore it or say it doesn't bother you. _

_After seeing what Leo went through, I knew that there was no way his recovery was going to be simple. And it's not just Leo-his brothers watched him fly through a window. They were supposed to be with him and they weren't, so their recovery will not be easy either. I want to try to write this not just because it will be a challenge, but because I think it'll help me finally write some of my own feelings and dreams in a work of fiction. _

_I've been writing fanfiction since I was 10 (18 years ago) but I still think of myself as an amateur writer...mostly because I've hardly ever branched out to genres I'm not familiar with. I don't know how well this will truly go over; it's going to be like a broken diary. _

_So...if you read through this whole AN, kudos to you and I hope to get the next chapter up soon. Thank you!_

_-Enula_


End file.
